From a work colleague today. No sure, but they read like Jimmy Carr material.I was at friends funeral yesterday, he died after being hit by a tennis ball....
It was a lovely service.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in
front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these guys have lost the plot!!
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!!
To hell with this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.
3.1415927 dead.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.
I bought her a set of scales.
Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their
newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it....
I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead.
Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown .