>are being planned for 2012 as per the attached.
>
>
>
>London Olympics 2012
>
>London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.
>
>You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up
>this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of
>these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:
>
>OPENING CEREMONY
>The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
>area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
>will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof
>of the stadium.
>
>THE EVENTS
>In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been
>particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
>events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
>
>100 METRES SPRINT
>Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
>each
>arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
>released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
>
>110 METRES HURDLES
>As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
>fences, walls etc)
>
>HAMMER
>Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
>(claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
>physical damage within three attempts.
>
>FENCING
>Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in
>5 minutes.
>
>SHOOTING
>A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
>target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
>will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages
>deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event
>by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore
>shotgun.
>
>BOXING
>Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
>will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
>lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
>home.
>The bout will then commence.
>
>CYCLING TIME TRIALS
>Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
>take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
>trip away from home. All against the clock.
>
>CYCLING PURSUIT
>As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the New
>Zealand rugby team, who will witness the theft.
>
>MODERN PENTATHLON
>Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
>and arson.
>
>SWIMMING EVENTS
>All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
>is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,
>please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will
>comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the
>pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by
>"The Verve."
>
>THE MARATHON
>A safe route has yet to be decided.
>
>MEN'S 50KM WALK
>Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
>guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London,
>especially anyone that appears to be... mincing
>
>THE CLOSING CEREMONY
>Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
>Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
>rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will
>be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable
>pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The
>stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break
>into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler
>
